


Sometime Around Midnight

by moroder



Series: Of Broken Hearts and Fallen Stars [2]
Category: Beholder (Video Game)
Genre: Drama, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhappy Ending, a Big Sandwich of Headcanons, minor bg characters - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-12
Updated: 2020-02-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:22:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22677091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moroder/pseuds/moroder
Summary: You just want to see him, although you know he'll break you in two.
Relationships: Alloisius Shpak/Bastian Walner
Series: Of Broken Hearts and Fallen Stars [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1631920





	Sometime Around Midnight

**Author's Note:**

> The title and summary are a reference to Sometime Around Midnight by The Airborn Toxic Event. The song itself ~really~ fits Bastian's mood about Clara after she left, but after a while it transformed into this story.  
> It sort of references the "1+1" story at several points, such as Carl and Alloisius saving Bastian from hanging himself and so on.

It’s funny how sometimes one can start a new life by only uttering a few words.

In case of Alloisius, it was: “my dear Bastian, do you play chess?”

It was a precise shot. Walner didn’t just play chess, he liked doing that very much. However, he couldn’t find himself a good partner, so he rarely got to play at all. It was probably the first time in several years that someone started a talk about chess with him.

Alas, his excitement quickly died away, as his neighbor said he didn’t even know the movement patterns for several figures.

“Why did you ask me about chess then?” Bastian resented, sitting in front of a chessboard. His adversary shrugged.

“I didn’t say I wanted to play professionally! I just asked whether you played chess at all…”

“Oh… Yes, probably. Well, this is awkward.”

He scratched his head, giving away his disappointment. Again, he allowed his expectations to take him away without thinking.

“Wait!” Alloisius shouted almost in despair, seeing that he was going to leave. “I can’t play but… I’m a fast learner. You’ll see! Just teach me how to.”

Bastian squinted, tilting his head.

“Why the sudden eagerness, doctor?”

“Uh, well… Most of my colleagues play chess. They frequently discuss it, and I’ve, excuse me, haven’t touched the figures since my childhood. If they start talking to me about that… oh, I shudder to imagine how bad I’ll make myself look!”

“Change the topic then. Isn’t it easier than learning how to play?”

Silence fell. For a solid minute, with his whole gifted self, Shpak was trying to come up with another explanation. But at the end the engineer sighed and stood up from the table.

“W-where are you going?”

“To your side, Alloisius. To play chess, first you need to learn at least the moving patterns. See, take a pawn – no, that’s a rook, and that’s a pawn…”

He began a phlegmatic lecture on chess figures, like a calm teacher. The doctor took a pawn with slightly trembling fingers, and his tutor covered his hand with his own and put the figure down on the chessboard. He did that with every figure. Bastian thought that showing a process being on the same level with his apprentice was the most effective way to teach him something.

“Are you nervous? Your hands are trembling.”

“N-no, I just… can’t wait to continue. I’m sure I can learn a lot from you!”

Walner shook his head but believed him for some reason. He couldn’t find any other explanation, and Alloisius wouldn’t have told him the truth anyway.

Thinking about it now, he admitted that a better way for things to turn out would be confessing at the very beginning. He would’ve lost Bastian’s trust at once, not having to live through later events. He wouldn’t have to remember things that happened after, so painful in his mind.

The next morning after their chess meeting he was almost late for work because he overslept. His colleagues were surprised, as doctor Shpak wasn’t a person to be late without a serious reason. To his astonishment, they were indeed discussing the upcoming chess competitions that day, and he was involved in the discussion. As they heard him saying that a knight goes in all directions, the community delicately changed the subject. Anyone could've had a bad sleep and be confused about something.

In fact, Alloisius was a good listener and honestly trying his best in chess. However, as he was thinking about it, the thoughts about chess figures were being interrupted maliciously by other ones, all about a single man.

As Walners have just moved in the room number five, the doctor didn’t even greet them properly. He already sported a behavior of a reclusive man who only looks out if a murder happens right outside his door. He noticed That Woman who deceived him and his expectations in such a vile way; he felt sorry for the man she got wrapped around her finger this time. Along with that, a feeling that fate was ungrateful to him had enveloped him again.

Later, as he struggled to get his neighbor out of a rope, he thought that fate was also ungrateful towards other people as well. And also that people who were so similar in their bad luck should stay together.

Alloisius began to stick to this secret rule on the very next day. Carl asked him to keep an eye on Bastian Walner, knowing his instability and family problems, but the doctor was eager to do that even without a given task. Bastian wasn’t particularly friendly on the first week, silently cursing Alloisius and Carl for saving his life. Cursing – but still allowing Shpak to enter his flat, trying to hide a burning will to strangle himself again.

Once upon a time, when the doctor became too awkward to knock on his door with no reason, he designed a plan: find a hobby that brings them together and delve deeper into it. He didn’t expect chess to be such a good shot, although it was still not a direct hit.

Oh, how delighted he was upon finding out that they indeed shared an interest! And not just some nonsense, like knitting or wine tasting – it was astronomy. So to show Bastian how dear this interest was to him, he waited for quite some time, almost a month – he waited for the coldest and brightest night of December and made a deal with Carl to take up the attic for that night. He even said that he’d pay if it became illegal to take up attics for a night, but the landlord didn’t find that funny, for some reason.

Alloisius was waiting for the whole evening for his friend to come home. As the clock ticked past ten, he began worrying. He knew that Bastian was fired after that incident, and now he was a drafting teacher in one of Helmer’s central schools. At this hour, lessons were supposed to be over, why wasn’t he returning… oh, there he was! Why such an unsteady pace though…

“Light of my life, sun of my Helmer, where have you been?” Alloisius exclaimed, running down the stairs towards Walner at the entrance. The man looked up at him, and the doctor froze. The same gaze greeted him back then, when he knocked at the engineer’s door the day after his suicide attempt.

“I wasn’t informed that someone was waiting for me, so I can be in any place at any time. What did you want from me?”

“You look moody today… We gotta fix that. Come with me, I’ll show you something incredible!”

Shpak took his wrist and pulled him towards the stairs, not even feeling how reluctantly he followed. Only at the attic, he finally yanked his hand away and stopped.

“Look, whatever you wanted to show… not today.”

“What? But we’re already here, at the place! Are you feeling unwell, my friend?”

“Shpak! Stop it… yes, you can think I’m unwell. I need to go.”

Now that wasn’t a thing to say in front of a doctor. The worst thing you want to come up with was disguising as ill.

Alloisius took him by the shoulders, leaned in closer and observed him carefully. Then he touched his forehead.

“You really look somewhat strange today… and I’m bringing you to a cold attic, you'll catch a cold in no time! Come, let’s leave this place now…”

“I didn’t mean… I’m unwell in a different sense. Ah, damn it! Alloisius, why did you do that? Why did you and Stein find me at all?! I’d be hanging in that room alone and well, and no one would be coping with my sorry ass now…”

“Bastian, are you… You… Just look at all this!”

The doctor grabbed him and pulled him to a round open window. Cold night air streamed into the dusty attic, and the moon was leaving a spot of milky light on the wooden floor. The place looked somewhat magical. Shpak pushed his friend into the spotlight.

“Look at the sky! What was the last time you saw such a starry night? When does rain or snow ever stop above Helmer? It’s a moment to live for! Just like… your child’s first laugh or… your friend’s laugh.”

Those last words were too much, Alloisius thought in a rush. God, will he have to explain himself now… like that…

However, Bastian seemed to have stopped listening to him. As he was pushed under the open window, the frosty air of December hit him in the face, as if his head was pulled under the ice cold water. It took away his breath, and the alcohol intoxication took a step back.

“Indeed, I haven’t seen such a clear sky for a while…” he finally uttered, staring at the blackness above him. “You know, I probably just forgot how to live. Don’t know if I ever lived at all.”

“Just what are you talking about?”

“I, oh… from the very childhood I felt like I was meant to die back then, but I didn’t and now I’m stuck here. Unattached, restless. I don’t know how else I’m supposed to explain my life being so empty… the only color it had was brought by my ex-wife.”

“Oh, and did I? Did I bring any… color?” Shpak asked, full of hope. Bastian sighed and turned to him.

“Alloisius… forgive me for snapping at you. I should’ve come home and go to sleep.”

“Come on, my dear! I’m glad to be by your side in times of trouble. Tell me, why exactly did you get so drunk during such a beautiful night?”

“I didn’t care about it. I came out of the school and realized I didn’t want to go home or anywhere else. That I could end up at any place in the whole world, and I still wouldn’t care. And all this… in fact it’s so insignificant. We’re all screws in a giant mechanism that needs repairing, and there’s too many details, and some of them are not required anymore…”

“Eh, fresh air didn’t quite sober you up,” Alloisius muttered and cuddled his shoulder. “Come, my friend.”

“No, you just don’t want to listen…”

Bastian looked at him, with eyes wide open for the first time this evening – and suddenly smiled. Bright, like a child.

“Thanks for putting up with me… Without you, this night would be as cloudy as usual.”

Several hours passed, the time was way past midnight, and doctor Shpak was still restless, sitting in a blanket by his bed. The whole house must’ve been sleeping, save for him (and Carl, but that wasn’t anyone’s business). He sat, leaning his head against the metal bed, immersed in thoughts.

Why did Bastian think that Alloisius was putting up with him, not just being a friend? He never mentioned it throughout the last two months, but alcohol loosened his tongue today. Shpak sat still, cuddling his knees, and wondered what could he do for his friend to convince him that he wasn’t a burden – on the contrary, a heart’s treat.

Why for his whole life people continued to think that he was either forcing himself on their company or tolerated them out of politeness? As usual, sometime around midnight his mind was burning a tremendous bonfire out of his worst memories; Alloisius wrapped himself up tighter in the blanket, feeling his cheeks flaring up. Ah, as if his current disarray wasn’t enough!

When the disappointment in his past became unbearable, the doctor jumped up, still wrapped in a blanket, and ran to the doors; he didn’t even close the door behind him as he darted outside, got to the room number five and banged on it with all force. It was half past one, and Alloisius didn’t remember when exactly did they part ways with Walner tonight, but hoped nevertheless that the door would open. Indeed, it did, and the flat owner looked out, color drained from his face, with reddish eyes and still wearing his shirt and trousers. Along with opening the door, he struggled to put on his glasses, and as he managed to do that and saw Alloisius, he frowned but let him in silently.

According to the room atmosphere, Bastian also didn’t go to sleep – he didn’t even make his bed. A lone lamp illuminated the table, and some books and papers were lying under it. But something entirely different caught the doctor’s attention: a bloody towel, crumpled up at the chair nearby.

“God, what happened to you?” he asked with concern, going around his neighbor to see the towel closer.

“It’s nothing… I have a bloody nose sometimes, and I only had a towel at hand.” Seeing Alloisius’ unbelieving glance, the engineer shook his head wearily. “I’m not lying… don’t look at me like that. I feel terrible but not because of my health. Why are you here at this hour? Trouble sleeping?”

“Yes, one could say so. Wide-awake. Sorry for coming in a state like this…” Shpak picked up a corner of his blanket that was dragging on the ground. “Why aren’t you sleeping? You didn’t go to sleep and I didn’t wake you, it’s clear as a day!”

Walner sighed gravely and looked away.

“You won’t leave me alone until I tell you, right?”

“Yes! I mean… I want to help, but I don’t know how until you tell me all as it is.” Alloisius coughed awkwardly. “Wait, do I annoy you?..”

“No, you don't annoy me, but your behavior does. I don’t understand it. No one cares about problems of someone who isn’t their relative.”

Oh, if only Walner knew that the doctor considered him a lot more than family! Although, if he knew, they probably wouldn’t be talking anymore. One of them would’ve ended up in jail already.

“I care about my friend’s problems. Because my heart aches for you, Bastian, and I can’t watch you suffer. Can’t run a heart surgery on myself, so the only solution for me would be talking to you. Will you lessen my suffering?”

The engineer watched him in silence for a while. Alloisius didn’t try to guess what he was thinking about – telling everything or kicking his guest out without hurting his feelings significantly or even calling the police. Then, Walner took off his glasses again, rubbed his swollen eyes and began, without opening them:

“I… already mentioned that I don’t feel like I’m actually alive. It’s rooted deep in my younger years. I had an elder brother… when I was sixteen, he got drafted, and father insisted that he should go. A month later, he died in an accident, and my parents decided that I shouldn’t make the same mistake and created a successful and peaceful life for me. That is, university and engineering.”

“Is that really worse than army?” Shpak inserted, but got no answer.

“Indeed, my life became calm and successful but… I didn’t like my profession, my work and my projects… I’ve been told my whole life that I was doing well, but I didn’t understand… what for? Why do I live a life chosen for me because it was… considered better? I wanted to change my profession for something else, but how can a person of my age become someone else? The country created a specialist in me and wants me to pay with my work now. No one cares about anyone’s wishes if it’s not about authorities… Did you choose your profession yourself, Alloisius?”

“Yes, I became a heart surgeon on my own,” the doctor responded, a little taken aback. “But, listen, am I correct that your problem is… feeling that you’re not living your life yourself because your parents chose it for you a while ago?”

“Yes… I guess you’re right. You put it into words with such ease, and I’m wasting time with stories,” Bastian smiled sadly. “You know… funny how it turned out. I became entirely depressed in September and I thought to end my life back then…”

He continued talking, but Alloisius felt like his hearing turned off at the moment, and he stepped towards his friend; the blanket fell from his shoulders, leaving him in only an unbuttoned shirt and underwear. Without a single word, he hugged Bastian as tight and caring as he could. His senses came back after solid several minutes, when the euphoria from a close contact stepped away and threw Shpak back into real world.

“…the second time was you. Weird coincidence, maybe third time’s the charm.”

Then it hit Alloisius that Walner was talking throughout this whole time and he skipped most of the talk. So he backed off a bit, smiling awkwardly, and asked:

“Excuse me, I… I got distracted… what did you say?”

“I said that I wanted to end my life back in September. But as I met my ex-wife, Clara… I suddenly felt that my life still belonged to me. That no one planned this part ahead of me, that I’m going to see another color apart from black and white… And I did. When I was coming home, I was drowning in this new color, and nothing else mattered… Then she betrayed me and took it away. My life became pointless after that… I couldn’t look at the world being black and white after I saw it colored, you see?”

“Maybe I do,” the doctor muttered.

“Now… after you saved me, I lived with a hope that I could somehow restore the reason to live, even though I became absolutely devastated. To no avail, sadly.”

“But… wait,” Alloisius picked up the blanket and held it without wrapping around himself, “didn’t… didn’t our time together… bring you joy? We spent so many nights talking… you taught me chess, I was trying so hard to excite you with something!”

“Yes, it helped me out of my grey existence from time to time. But I…” the engineer suddenly fell silent. “Wait. What did you say?”

“It was hurting my heart to see you so alone, Bastian. I was trying to find a point where both of us would stand tall and keep from falling into a bottomless pit of despair.”

“So that’s why…” he threw his head back and laughed without a sound. “That’s why you wanted so hard to see me every day.”

“Yes, I… I just wanted to…”

Alloisius clenched the blanket, feeling pain in his fingers.

“…to make the world brighter not only for me when we see each other.”

“What… do you mean?”

He wanted to close his eyes, to look away from Walner’s reaction, but he understood very well that he had to look fate straight in the face. So he made an effort, looking him in the eyes, and said:

“I love you, Bastian. Damn me to hell.”

The desire to turn away, to run and hide attacked him again. During a painful silent minute, Bastian’s face changed from confused to astonished, then to embarrassed, and finally to sorrowful.

“Forgive me, Alloisius.”

“W… why do you ask for forgiveness? It’s me who’s supposed to…”

“I can’t return your feelings. I… I still love her.”

The doctor felt his eyes closing on their own and tears streaming down his reddish cheeks. He didn’t know whether that was an emotional reaction or rather because he was staring at Walner for too long without blinking.

“I’m sorry… please excuse the mess, I… I can’t control it,” he mumbled, wiping his face with the blanket and his shirtsleeve, but tears kept coming just out of spite.

“Al…” Walner came closer and touched his arm awkwardly. “Go to sleep. Do you have any sleeping pills?”

“No, I’ve never… never had any trouble sleeping… before.”

“Just wrap yourself in that blanket and try to sleep on it. Tomorrow… we’ll talk about that. I’ll be sober, and you’ll be well-rested.”

“Y-yes… probably you’re right…”

Barely putting the wet blanket around his shoulders, the doctor went to exit the room; at the threshold, he turned around for the last time. Bastian looked at him with such tranquility in his gaze that he’d never seen for the whole history of their relationship. It put some hope into him.

“Good night,” he smiled, almost blind through tears.

“Good night,” Walner nodded, yawning. “See you tomorrow.”

The last time Alloisius fell asleep because he cried all out was back in his university years, but the memory of a hellish headache was still fresh in his mind. However, this time he woke up quite lively and rested, and only eye irritation reminded him of the way he went to sleep. He sat up in his bed, trying to put his thoughts in order, and the pictures of last night came up in his mind.

Embarrassment flushed over him like a tide. Then he remembered the way they called it a night. It was sort of positive, nevertheless? Shpak glanced at the clock: it was half past ten. Bastian must’ve been up already. For some reason, he thought himself to have slept infinitely more.

The doctor got out of bed, put on his usual weekend outfit and brushed his hair. Closing the door behind himself this time, he walked up to the fifth flat and knocked on the door. No response.

Alloisius remembered suddenly how he and Carl came just in time, and fearing that the story might repeat itself, he looked through the keyhole but saw no one hanged inside. Judging by what he saw, the flat owner was quietly snoring in his bed, not reacting to a knock. Shpak knocked again, louder this time, still to no avail. He wanted to leave his neighbor alone and go back, but something made him try the doorknob. To his surprise, the door opened, quite inviting.

It was very cold inside; under a wide-open window, a thin layer of snow was lying, probably accumulated at morning. Closing the door carefully, Alloisius came inside and hurried to close the window before the room turned into a pile of snow. During the process of him cleaning the windowsill and closing the creaky window wings, the sleeping person hasn’t moved or reacted in any other way in response to foreign noises.

“Quite a sleeper you are, Bastian,” the doctor muttered, done with the window. “Could sleep through anything.”

He noticed the lamp on the table, still on, although it was already not so necessary. Approaching the table, Alloisius saw the books and papers lying in order, and only one piece of paper was put aside. He turned off the lamp and took the paper; it was impolite to read someone’s documents, but he could probably justify himself.

_Dear Alloisius! This note is for you, as you’ll be the first to get here and find me, 99% probability. As you’ll be reading this, I will be long gone._

His eyes went round, the paper slid down from his hands, and he jumped to the bed where Walner lay, covered with a blanket and wearing a pajama Alloisius gave him as a birthday gift not long ago. He must’ve put it on for the first time. Only now did Shpak see him holding a small empty bottle in his hand; the letters “sleepi” could be seen from under his fingers. The doctor tried to find his pulse, palpating the carotid arteries with trembling fingers, but he felt nothing but the cold body; he was trying to convince himself that it was because of window and cold morning, but his friend was lying absolutely motionless, not even breathing. Alloisius was alone in a room with the body of someone he spoke to only nine hours ago.

Someone he hoped so much to see at the morning.

The thought of Bastian being irrevocably gone had Shpak frozed for a long time, and he couldn’t make himself turn around and walk away from the bed. Eternity must’ve passed before he staggered back to the table where he dropped the death note; he picked it up and made an effort to continue reading.

_Forgive me if you can. I know it will be a great shock for you and it will crush you. But please, try to understand. My condition is getting worse each day, no matter how hard I want to tell you I was getting better… I can’t lie to you and myself. You tried to postpone it, but tonight I realized the time has come._

_Why, you ask? Why do I hurt you despite your confession? Please understand that it wouldn’t bring us both anything good. I can’t feel the same way towards you, and for you seeing me almost every day and remembering my rejection would feel like a horrible burden. I was living through this for the past few months, I know what I’m talking about. I don’t want you to go through this as well. Coping with death is way easier than coping with lost chances._

_You have a future, Al. You live for your work, you’re loved and appreciated in scientific society. You_ _can_ _’_ _t_ _just_ _leave_ _,_ _and_ _you_ _won_ _’_ _t_ _just_ _leave_ _._ _I_ _’_ _ve_ _got_ _it_ _long_ _ago_ _._ _A few months or years later, you will let go of memories about me. That_ _’_ _s_ _for_ _the_ _best_ _._

_I don’t have relatives, so you can put my stuff to any use, even give it all to Stein. Just don’t give away the manuscript in the desk drawer. Keep it or burn it, whatever you wish, but keep them a secret._

_You tried so hard to cleanse the sky above my head. However, even with no clouds it stayed grey… sadly. I’m sorry it all came out like this. Please_ _,_ _be_ _safe_ _._

Alloisius kept rereading the last lines; his vision became way too blurry from tears. Then he read the note from the very beginning. At the point of mentioning that he wouldn’t just leave this world, he suddenly felt a burning desire to tear the paper apart, to scream into the air helplessly because Bastian was _absolutely right_. Doctor Shpak had patients and recognition around the country. No one would let him go to the underworld just because he wanted to. And he would never be able to make peace with his conscience, knowing how many people would be left without lifesaving surgeries if he took his life so selfishly.

He lived for others, he saved them, but he failed to save someone whom he was struggling to keep on this side of life.

Alloisius slowly approached his bed again, sank on the floor, leaned against a cold hand and closed his eyes, whimpering. Then he threw his head back and howled. Soon, Carl appeared to see the mess, but Shpak cared none about how he bad he would look in the eyes of his landlord and neighbors.

He just had to live on.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. This time, I really am.


End file.
